I’ve Been Meaning to Ask: What Do You Need?
Job 2:11-13, 2 Timothy4:9-18
June 13, 2021
Emmanuel Baptist Church; Rev. Kathy Donley
Note: A recording of the worship service in which this sermon was preached may be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n99dTGk8gf0
Bec is a friend I met at the Wild Goose Festival a few years ago. She describes herself as a Bapticostal misfit. Most of you would like her -- in small doses, maybe -- but you would like her.
Her primary ministry is with people experiencing homelessness in Atlanta. Her organization offers temporary shelter as well as several paths to permanent housing. A few weeks ago, she shared an incident that spoke to me about this question of needs and whose needs get served and how and by whom. She gave permission to relay this story in her own words.
Bec said, “I asked a pastor not to hand out food and tents in front of my building onetime.
The look on his face.
Charlie had had a heart attack in the dorm, and the guest service aid called 911. They were in route.”
“Imagine twenty people experiencing homelessness waiting for showers, some of whom have been working with outreach workers to find housing solutions, and then a church pulls up, pops up a table, starts talking about “Gawd,” and getting saved while handing out $40 tents.”
“Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tossed at people, who will later throw those sandwiches on the sidewalk for the pigeons and cat sized rats.”
“Then the crack dealers and the pimps come out to work the crowd while this here preacher with his megaphone is out here talking about an eternal hell. Little plastic bags containing magic rocks and cash go through the crowd by the dope boys in the all-white Nikes, while Preacher Bob is convinced his oration skills are swaying the crowd towards salvation.”
“I walked up to him in humility and asked him to leave because the pop up revival is in the fire lane, and ole Charlie had a heart attack in the veterans dorm. I gave him my card and asked that he call me later to talk about figuring out a different way to work together. I kindly explained how we could partner together to provide restrooms and a dignified way to serve with those experiencing homelessness.”
“He then told me he was led by the holy spirit and had personally studied the WERD for 35 years, and he had this ministry TO THA HOMELESS for 12 years and no tattooed jezebel was going to stop him from saving the homeless. He was SENT by Gawd.”
“I gave him a closed-mouth smile, said nothing except ‘EMS is on the way and you’re in the fire lane.’ I was unable to persuade him to leave. But the blaring fire truck got his attention.”[1] End of story.
Now, if we were to have a conversation here and now about this incident and talk about what was done poorly, what could have been better, you would probably say things like Bec said. Bec’s own take-aways were these:
1) Think through what you want to do before coming from the suburbs into the city with your great “knowledge” This parachuting ministry doesn’t change people’s lives, but often disrupts their progress.
2) Come in humility, find out where and what God is doing.
And she said,
3) People experiencing homelessness often know God deeper than I do, and I have 8 years of advanced theological education. Never assume someone is homeless because they don’t know God. These are the children of God.
Many of you have had experiences like this one, where a person with good intentions made a situation worse instead of better. We might enjoy chalking up the many examples of what not to do, because this time it was so obvious, but I offer it as a reminder. It is much, much harder to recognize the same mistakes when we make them. And we do make them. Sometimes we make up our own minds that we know what someone else needs. Coincidentally, it often something that we have to give. Sometimes we fail to ask people what they need. Sometimes we refuse to be taught by those who are closer to the situation. I appreciate Bec’s counsel to come in humility, to find out where and what God is already doing.
That is something Job’s friends get right. At least at the beginning of the story. Job is in the midst of real trauma. His children have died; his health has been stripped away; his livelihood is gone. Any one of those by itself would be devastating. Job’s pain is immense. Three of his friends show up. They tear their clothes, they put dirt on their heads – which are ways of recognizing his grief and entering into it. And they sit with him in silence for days. They honor the weight of his trauma. They do not to fix it. Job himself needs time to figure out what he needs, and his friends just offer their presence as a gift of support.
Later on, as we know, they start theologizing, they fill the silence with their speculations about why he is suffering and how to fix it. That is not their best moment.
Sometimes, we do not know what we need, and the most loving thing another person can do is to sit with us and let us figure it out.
Sometimes, we have figured it out, and the hard part is sharing that out loud. Your responses to this week’s second question bore that out. One of you said this week that you changed the question to “if only I could ask for help”. Others spoke of intense stress, of feeling defeated, of not wanting to admit ignorance, of waiting too long to reach out. Recognizing that we might need help and being willing to ask for it or accept it are not necessarily the same thing.
That’s why I find the passage from 2 Timothy so compelling. Paul is in a Roman prison. He is awaiting trial, which he suspects is going to end in his death. He tells Timothy, “Do your best to come to me soon. Bring my cloak and the books and the parchments.” He is cold and lonely. Prison is monotonous. It will take Timothy some weeks or months to do what Paul asks and Paul desperately hopes to see him one last time. Paul says “Come before winter.” Come while you still can. Come now or never.
Can you hear the anguish? Paul names his needs, very specifically, and he names them to his protégé, Timothy. At one time, their relationship might have only flowed in the other direction, with Timothy relying on Paul. But now Paul is wise enough to open himself in this way.
Over the last few months, our sister Elaine has been helping me understand some of this. And she has graciously given me permission to share that with you. Elaine is ill. Many of us have been concerned and wanted to do something.
I have learned that sometimes, people want to help, but we are afraid of overstepping, of being a bother, and so after we have shown up for a while, instead of filling the silence with empty words like Job’s friends, we just wander away and our friend may feel abandoned.
I didn’t want to do that, so I kind of become a pest. At various times, over the last few months, I would imagine that I knew what Elaine needed, so I would call and offer.
“Elaine, you’re coming home from the hospital. Do you want me to sleep on your couch tonight?”
“Elaine, do you need a ride here or there?”
“What about groceries?”
Elaine would always very graciously thank me and very graciously decline my offers. But eventually we came to an agreement. We agreed that I would not pester her with what I thought she needed and in return, she would let me know what she actually needed. Now here’s the really important part – Elaine has kept her part of the deal.
She actually asks for help when she needs it. One time it was a ride. One time, it was soup. One time, she called me up and said, “Kathy, I have run out of water glasses. I don’t know what has happened to them, but if visitors come, I have to serve them water or iced tea in a mug. I could really use some plain old drinking glasses.”
And so, we met that need. I say “we” because I want you to understand that I am not doing this by myself. Elaine tells me what is needed and then I turn around and I ask for your help meeting the need. On that occasion, I got the glasses and one of you delivered them. On another occasion, some of you prepared food and I was the delivery person.
Elaine acknowledged that I would never have guessed that she needed those glasses without her telling me. It was something only she could name. And some people might have thought it was too small to mention. But Elaine kept our agreement and I so appreciate it.
You are a compassionate, caring congregation. Most of you are willing to do something for someone else at a moment’s notice. We are also a congregation that lives and moves within a culture that prizes self-sufficiency. Acknowledging that we need help, that we are overwhelmed or stressed out, that there is something we cannot do for ourselves right now, that requires a kind of humility that many of us are still learning. Elaine is modelling that for us. Would you join me in thanking her?
This way of being with one another is incarnational. We ask what do you need? We ask it of ourselves and of each other. We come together and bear witness to each other’s existence, our struggles and needs and we spend time together. As our hymn says, “Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you? Pray that I may have the grace to let you be my servant too.”
Amen.
[1] https://www.facebook.com/rebeccadawncranford/posts/10100882651552178